Nurture Connections to Help Learners Thrive

Sometimes the action we take, may just be what perpetuates problems in the classroom. Although we may know the ‘right’ way to handle a situation with a student, we may make the wrong choice in the moment. Many factors influence our own behaviors. From emotions to habits and even beliefs, any one of these can lead us to making the wrong decision when faced with challenging behavior exhibited from a student.

What I mean by this is that sometimes a well-intended teacher calls out a child’s behavior in front of peers. Or, the child may be sent to stand in the hallway. I’ve also seen children have to stand on the edge of basketball courts during recess so that they ‘learn a lesson’ by missing out and also have to feel the stares of their peers who know that they must have messed up in class. I want to be clear that I believe in accountability and natural consequences, but with my whole heart, I’m completely against any punitive measure taken towards students. With that said, the majority of teachers who choose to ‘teach’ children using the examples above, typically believe that they’re doing what the child needs to behave. It’s often what the teachers have learned through their own experiences. I never want a teacher to feel bad for doing what they thought was best. Nor do I want to see a child feel diminished as opposed to having their needs met. I simply want all of us to know and then act upon what’s best for kids. My hope is that we can engage in crucial conversations so that we can support the whole child to thrive- in and out of the classroom.

Connection is a Very Human Need

Back in July, I posted a blog titled: Proactive Approaches to Support All Learners: Moving Beyond the Behavior Chart. Within the post, I share how we can focus on creating the conditions to empower learning through being proactive and deeply engaging students. Being proactive in the classroom and fostering a culture (with the foundation of trusting relationships) that empowers learning, are topics I’m passionate about. So, it should come as no surprise that the post below shared by George Couros, quoting Jody Carrington, deeply resonated with me.

Jody hit the nail on the head. Teachers often perceive the ‘attention-seeking’ child as a problem or even an annoyance, rather than a person with a very human need. Assumptions are often made as to why the ‘attention-seeking’ behavior is occurring, and measures are taken. As educators, are we consistently reactive or do we focus our efforts on being proactive? Do we ensure that the individual is treated with respect and dignity?

A Strong Sense of Belonging is Essential

Students who seem to be seeking attention, are often really craving connection. I’m sure that we can all think of that one child who lacked home support or connection, but it’s not always due to a deficit at home. For instance, some students struggle with peer relations or knowing where they fit. Previous classroom cultures or ‘classroom management’ strategies (if punitive) may have contributed to how students perceive themselves amongst their peers. Having a strong sense of belonging is critical to our students, which means that fostering connections and avoiding acts of isolation or humiliation, is essential. Tearing down a child never results in anything positive.

The Many Ways Our Brains Make Connections

In an article written by Jill Suttie, reflecting upon the book, Social: Why Our Brains are Driven to Connect, by Matthew Lieberman, Suttie summarizes evidence that explains why we are so driven to connect. I encourage you to read the article and perhaps the book if you wish to go deeper to understand the brain. I’m not someone who talks fluff, so digging into why connections are essential based on how our brains filter emotions, how we read others, and experience cultural beliefs and values, is my right up my alley! I like to know how ‘things’ work and the science behind a concept.

“Apparently our need to connect influences how we remember and how we learn.”

-Jill Suttie

In terms of the brain, we all have neural networks that link us to a social group and influences how we we interact and learn, based on our emotions and information we take in. According to Suttie, the research shared by Lieberman, leads to one conclusion: “To the extent that we can characterize evolution as designing our modern brains, this is what our brains were wired for: reaching out to and interacting with others,” writes Lieberman. 

This post is two-fold.

1. We need to be intentional about how we are fostering connections with and between learners, while also taking proactive measures to set the stage for success.
2. Being cognizant of how we respond to learners who are seeking connection aka ‘attention seeking,’ can make a world of difference… for our students and us.

Recently, I shared two other posts, Promoting Empathy in Learners: Develop Deep Connections and Create a Long Lasting, Positive Impact on Learners. Both provide tips and strategies to foster connections with and between learners.

Moving forward, in this post, I want to explore how we can best work alongside those seeking connection. By shifting our mindset on how we view those who may seem to be craving connection, we can better support learners to acquire what they feel is lacking, as opposed to either maintaining the status quo or even contributing to the problem. What I mean by contributing to the problem is this: if every time a child blurts out, the teacher looks directly at the child or gives them a cue to stop using their hand, they are actually feeding into the behavior. Additionally, if you have a child who continuously envelopes their head and face into the hood of their sweatshirt so that you cannot see their face, they too are not simply seeking attention. It’s deeper than that. Speaking to the child with annoyance or giving consequences may or may not change the action, but it certainly does not get to the root cause. Eventually, something else will come out. We need to view our learners as ‘connection seeking,’ then, support the process.

Inventory Your Culture of Learning and Opportunities for Connection

If a child seems to be expressing that they want to be seen and heard, let’s create opportunities that empower them in a positive way. Instead of moving a clip, keeping them in from recess, or giving detention, reflect on what your classroom is providing or lacking. As a classroom teacher, I would invite small groups of classmates to lunch where they had an more of a chance to talk with one another and with me. Sometimes, myself and colleagues would walk or sit with students while out at recess. In those small moments, kids not only connect, but they develop trust and may open up to share what’s troubling them- or begin to have their needs met. There are so many little acts we can do daily that have an enormous impact.

Also, by amplifying the voice of all learners and carving out time to identify and develop their strengths and interests, we create outlets where they can express themselves and gain confidence as well. Additionally, if a child seems to be pulling inward to themselves and demonstrating behaviors that are out of the ordinary, we need more of a focus on creating a culture where every individual feels supported as a risk taker and foster authentic relationships. With that said, I’m completely aware that there may be deeper issues, but this is a starting point for a healthy classroom culture. We all have to use professional judgement on next steps to support our learners, but regardless, let’s make every effort to shift from punitive consequences toward genuine connections and a culture of empowerment.

Questions to Reflect Upon:

• Is there access to opportunities for all learners to contribute in meaningful ways?
• Does the environment encourage movement and empower individuals in authentic work?
• Are we ensuring quality time is spent connecting with our learners and fostering peer-to-peer connections?
• Is the classroom culture cohesive and feel supportive to all learners?
• Do we carve out time to talk one-on-one or even play at recess with a groups?

Reflect as You Stand in Their Shoes

Just for a moment put yourself in the shoes of the child who is craving connection. Imagine you are struggling at home or possibly with peers. Maybe on the inside, your world feels uncertain or as though it’s crumbling in on you. Now, picture yourself in a classroom craving the attention of either your peers or teacher, perhaps both. The teacher gives you a look of annoyance along with a consequence. Here’s what we have to note: when a teacher admonishes the behavior, several occurrences are possible.

1. The child received attention and whether positive or negative, they’ll continue because it met a form of the internal need.
2. The child feels embarrassed or ashamed, and therefore becomes more disconnected with their peers and teacher.
3. The child develops anger and begins to seek control and emote at other times.

To some, the list above may seem like basic knowledge, but we all know that that our own emotions or prior experiences can influence the choices we make in the moment. If we want our students to learn at a deep level, we first need to address their needs. We do that through our classroom culture, environment, and the connections we foster between each unique individual. Take a moment to listen to the children share their emotions in this beautifully created video titled, Just Breathe.

My mission is to ensure every child feels like they have something meaningful to contribute, because they do. I want to see their faces light up when they come to school and delight in learning. I believe that education is less about compliance and more about deep engagement and empowerment. That’s where learning thrives. No teacher is perfect, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect. However, we can always take steps to learn and improve. As a mom and educator, it pains me to think that some kids are driven deeper into their struggles rather than lifted up to see their capabilities. Let’s see children for who they really are and support them through struggles to thrive. Be the person who makes a significant difference in the lives of children, creating a lifelong impact.