On the Fringe of Gratitude: Shifting Mindsets
Here we are in November, the month of gratitude. I’ve blogged twice about gratitude since the beginning of the month. First I wrote, The Power of Gratitude: 5 L.E.A.P. Tips to Promote Gratitude, and then Encouraging Gratitude in the Classroom, filled with practical ideas that any teacher could utilize. Not only does research support that the more we express gratitude, the more it rewires our thinking to be more positive, but I’ve experienced it myself, first hand. To be completely transparent though, I hit a wall this month that really tested and continues to test my mindset. I view myself as a positive thinker who chooses my own mindset. However, with recent happenings, I found myself going down more of a negative thinking pathway.
On November, 8th, our beloved dog, Marley, was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, an aggressive and excruciatingly painful form of bone cancer. Hearing news like this is hard on everyone who is close to the loved one–– and by loved one, I really mean any individual who you embrace as family. Marley is completely different than our other cockapoo, Bella, who is so easy going, hyper-focused on food, and loves a good belly rub. Marley on the other hand, loves deeply, differently for a dog–– he connects with every single one of us and seems to keep tabs on our family. Hearing he had cancer hit me hard because the prognosis was poor. So, I took to Facebook and wrote the following to process my emotions connected to Marley:
Almost 12 years ago…
We thought our other cockapoo puppy (Bella) was depressed after having her for about 8 months. Bella, home alone, with all of us back at work or at day care, we took a chance on going to get you based on a newspaper ad that listed you. We thought you’d be just what Bella needed for companionship while we were gone during the day.
You were listed for a measly $50… Yet, worth SO much more. We were granted the opportunity simply because I was the first to respond. I’m quick like that.
Based on the address, we knew not to take our boys with us for this excursion. We showed up at your apartment and it was ugly–– worse than I even anticipated. You were in an abusive and messy situation. Covered in fleas and fur worn away from your collar due to being tied outback for endless hours, you had sores around your neck. Your fur was matted and you growled at us, hiding behind your current owner.
We listened to your story. Your former owner’s boyfriend beat, threw, and kicked you. Their young child, would bang on your kennel. We learned that Several members of the family were in prison. We sat and just listened to the heartache that your owner expressed. She wanted you to have a home with a yard. She was stuck in the situation herself, but wanted to free you from it. At almost one, you weren’t house broken. You were fed scraps of hot dog and your teeth were in poor condition. I realized in that moment that we weren’t there simply to bring you back home, but we were there to rescue you.
My close friend, Christy Barton, came down to our house as the dog whisperer (and people whisperer), to help out. To be honest, I didn’t think we could keep you. I was worried that this was too much given the ages of our kids and I just returned to work after a childcare leave. I felt overwhelmed as nothing was going the way I had envisioned. As a young mom with a 2 and 4 year old, I didn’t anticipate any of this. However, we stuck with it. We made a commitment to love you and see you through.
Gradually, over time, between our love, the love and kindness from Christy and my mom, Karen May-Snyder, helping during the day, you came around. You went from a dog who was growling and snarling at us, to a dog who had a legit smile!
You have the goofiest smile I’ve ever seen. You smile when we come home, and watch for us from the bay window. The minute you see us, you leap to greet us at the door. You dance when we come home and love to play! Marley, you are the most joyful dog I’ve ever known. I think you know you were rescued from a horrible situation, you developed deep trust.
However… for the past two weeks, you haven’t smiled or played. Bella keeps trying to rough house with you, too. You weren’t in the bay window watching for my car to turn the corner. I noticed you limping. I chalked it up to the fact that you have luxating patellas, but after speaking with our vet we learned that you have an aggressive type of bone cancer, based on x-rays.
More Results Came In…
We were informed of our options: 1) amputate Marley’s leg if it’s the lesser of the two types or 2) keep him comfortable until it’s time to rest. However, several days after learning this, we received more results from the cells that were sent to Cornell University Animal Hospital. We learned that Marley had not just one type of cancer, but two. He was also positive for hemangiosarcoma; cancer of the blood vessels (begins in the spleen or heart). Hemangiosarcoma grows rapidly and is highly invasive.
Marley’s health declined rapidly, and within days, we literally had no other option than to lay him to rest. All of this completely devastated me. I felt shocked, despite hearing the information and watching his health spiral out of control in front of my own eyes. In the days prior to his final day on earth, I laid with him and nursed his health, doing everything I possibly could to help.
Our Pasts Don’t Define Us
Marley was a dog who modeled that you can overcome trauma with love and even deeply love those you trust, in return. Our entire family loved his quirkiness and we’ve learned so much about maintaining an environment where he could thrive. Everyone wanted to see Marley rally through this, just as he did through his past experiences, prior to us bringing him into our family. We knew he gave it his all, as did we.
In the first few days of having him in our family, we almost didn’t keep Marley due to the affects his past had on him, but he was one of the best ‘things’ that ever happened to all of us. He came around and demonstrated great resilience. Marley lived a life of general and separation anxiety, and was always suspicious of men, but he gave everyone a chance. As for Bella, our, “depressed dog,” she’s just chill and that’s who she is. She loves to eat, sleep, and play on occasion. However, it’s her natural personality that led us to search and rescue Marley. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Pets are family. These experiences, no matter how hard, are great testaments. They teach us the value of life and how quickly situations can turn. We’ve learned so much from Marley’s experiences, but nonetheless, cancer sucks.
Living on the Fringe of Gratitude
You see, this entire experience with Marley triggered my brain to go down a negative pathway. I began thinking of all the things I wouldn’t experience with him ever again. I’ll never say to him, “wanna go on a walk?” and have him jump up, lick my nose, and prance around, while squealing with joy ever again. I’ll never see him soak up every moment of basking in the sunlight or rolling in the green grass of summer. I’ll never have him jump up beside me and snuggle in bed, in the middle of the night. I could go on and on, and I have inside my mind. I have thought this out so much that I’ve broken into tears.
Releasing emotions can be healthy. I needed to process and express my emotions, and that’s okay. However, I realized that all of my thoughts were negative. What about reminiscing about all of my memories and appreciating the fact that I had them happen at all? I wrote in both of the blog posts (linked in the first paragraph) that we cannot dismiss emotions, we need to process and emote. But, we can still have control over our mindset. I believe that to be true to some degree. However, the sadness I felt was heavy. I felt most upset that I saved Marley once, but with this, I couldn’t–– it created feelings of guilt. I felt like I failed him and that he (prior to his passing) couldn’t understand why I wasn’t saving him from suffering this time as I had early in his life. It’s common to feel guilt when these occurrences happen, even though nothing substantiated it. Some of you reading this might think that’s silly, but I’m just keeping it real here and being honest and open. I wanted to be grateful, but I struggled during this time.
Grasping For Gratitude
While all of those negative thoughts were swirling in my head, I worked hard to stop myself from continuing to spiral. I remembered my very own words from my previous posts. For a moment, I wasn’t sure I could do it. It was so easy to think of all the things I would never again experience. But, I did it. I reframed my thinking to: I got to experience the most amazing personality of a dog I’ve ever experienced, and I was the one who had the honor of rescuing him. Additionally, I got to enjoy nightly walks, snuggles, and play frisbee in the yard, with Marley. To be honest, my brain wanted to go back to the negative. For some reason I was drawn to my negative thoughts of loss. Perhaps that’s my brain’s way of processing everything as it all occurred so suddenly. Most likely, it’s a normal part of the grieving process. I’m not sure, but I have had to make a very conscious effort to think of the positives and grasp ahold of gratitude.
During this time, I’ve developed more gratitude for what I’ve been blessed with rather than continuing to think of everything I’d lost. Does it mean that I don’t experience any sadness? Nope. It means that I’m striving to seek the good and maintain healthy thinking for the sake of myself and family. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and takes our breath away. This experience has also put other things in perspective for me, but ultimately it’s a reminder to appreciate the little things in life.
Living and Modeling Gratitude in Our Lives to Impact Ourselves and Others
So many individuals endure hardships that cause deep heartache. From losing spouses, children, to other family or friends, it can rock our world. Because of this, it’s so important to love and embrace moments with one another. It’s also crucial to be patient with those we work alongside in our schools. We never know what hardships or struggles others are experiencing. Take time to listen with empathy, connect, and foster relationships with others.
When it comes to the field of education, it’s not to say that we will love everything about our profession or feel gratitude in every moment, but how are we intentionally recognizing what it is that we are grateful for? Yes, we may need to initiate crucial conversations. Yes, we may need to work as part of the solution, but by recognizing what we are grateful for, it helps us to be happier and maintain a healthy disposition as we work through challenges.
The Power of Reframing Our Thinking
In addition to the lessons on striving to choose my mindset, embracing my feelings, and slowing down to appreciate the small moments in life, Marley has also taught me the power of changing a life. I went from questioning why this had to happen to us and to him, to thinking of how much better off he was that he landed here with us. We were granted an amazing opportunity to provide him with everything that he needed to feel loved and be comforted in difficult times. Caring for him throughout the years was rewarding. You see, we can feel torn apart and confused with why life takes us in certain directions, but sometimes if we just switch lenses, we just may see things from a different perspective that enlightens us. Doing so encourages us to reframe our thinking and seek the positives–– impacting how we journey through life.
Each of us has the potential within to shift our mindset, but it may take time and intentional practice. We have to honor our emotions and all that comes along with challenging times–– we may even live on the fringe of gratitude at times. Even in the toughest times we can see the light. Like a ship to a lighthouse, practicing gratitude can help guide us in the right direction throughout our journey.
